2nd Annual Post-AWP Awards

That's right--I'm back. And now time for my 2nd annual post-AWP awards (You of course remember last year’s):

Best crazy question: Building the Literary Robot Panel. So I can’t crazy up the question precisely but here’s the paraphrase—“If we survive in the future, which is doubtful, and go to other planets then we can’t use paper to publish because it’s too heavy. And then there will be Berlusconi-type octopus arms all over everything, taking everything. And then will we just be sending literature to robots?” I may not be doing that crazy justice but you get the idea.

Best response to a crazy question at AWP: I have no response to that. –Travis Kurowski. I’m not doing justice to that either—it was very deadpan and probably not those exact words but again you get the idea.

Best panel where I caught the very last minute because the crowd finally thinned out: Hint Fiction

Best unexpected meeting: David Erlewine

Best sort of expected meeting: It’s a tie. Ben Tanzer & Jesse Waters

Magazine with the best paper: Knee-Jerk Offline Vol 01 MMX

Strangest free magazine: a 1964 Sewanee Review (which is cool because it has a review by one of my favorites: Walker Percy)

Best reason to quit my teaching job: Jhumpa Lahiri’s (unintentional?) dissing of writing professors when she said she chose winning the Pulitzer instead. She didn’t really say that, but it was the subtext.

All winners will be receiving a golden pen (Fine print: all pens are made of dreams and coffee cup sleeves. Finer print: no one is getting anything).

Back from...Denver

That's right--I'm back. And now time for my annual, meaning this year, AWP awards:

Best quote on a panel: "The people here are hornier to get published than to get laid," by Richard Peabody (I think he said that...hmm...maybe I should be sure of such things before I assign words to people's mouths).

Runner-up: "Getting paid by the word just feels righteous," by Stephen Graham Jones (that might not be the actual wording, but he said most of those words I'm pretty sure and for no money...wait, do panelists get paid by the word?).

Worst hotel elevators: The Sheraton.

Best drink I had too many of: Milk Stout at the Wynkoop Brewing Company.

Best panel I did not attend: Flarf.

Worst introduction: Woman who introduced George Saunders, by confessing she had never read his work and, when she did bring herself to read it, didn't like it and yet didn't have the decency to step down from introducing him or just keep it to herself but instead thought it best to tell everyone that and basically imply, if not outright say, that he should try and write some different kind of stuff--you know, good stuff.

Best introduction: Etgar Keret who read before Saunders and said that if there was to be a commercial for humanity, George Saunders should be in it.

Best party I stood around awkwardly at before deciding to quickly leave: Flatmancrooked's.

Best nonconference moment: Bouldering outside the Denver flagship REI. By which I mean, getting four inches off the ground on a fake boulder outside the REI store where I bought some nice pants and the wife bought a belt. We're outdoorsy that way.