2nd Annual Post-AWP Awards

That's right--I'm back. And now time for my 2nd annual post-AWP awards (You of course remember last year’s):

Best crazy question: Building the Literary Robot Panel. So I can’t crazy up the question precisely but here’s the paraphrase—“If we survive in the future, which is doubtful, and go to other planets then we can’t use paper to publish because it’s too heavy. And then there will be Berlusconi-type octopus arms all over everything, taking everything. And then will we just be sending literature to robots?” I may not be doing that crazy justice but you get the idea.

Best response to a crazy question at AWP: I have no response to that. –Travis Kurowski. I’m not doing justice to that either—it was very deadpan and probably not those exact words but again you get the idea.

Best panel where I caught the very last minute because the crowd finally thinned out: Hint Fiction

Best unexpected meeting: David Erlewine

Best sort of expected meeting: It’s a tie. Ben Tanzer & Jesse Waters

Magazine with the best paper: Knee-Jerk Offline Vol 01 MMX

Strangest free magazine: a 1964 Sewanee Review (which is cool because it has a review by one of my favorites: Walker Percy)

Best reason to quit my teaching job: Jhumpa Lahiri’s (unintentional?) dissing of writing professors when she said she chose winning the Pulitzer instead. She didn’t really say that, but it was the subtext.

All winners will be receiving a golden pen (Fine print: all pens are made of dreams and coffee cup sleeves. Finer print: no one is getting anything).

AWP Ready

Apparently it's snowing somewhere and making it hard to get to AWP, but I’m bound for DC, and I am ready for my AWP experience. I have everything I need:

√A leather bound notebook so that I can write while other people are just talking about writing.

√A laptop to sit in the free Wi-Fi lobby and blog about the conference.

√An odd hat so people will look at me.

√An odd shirt or T-shirt with an odd phrase so that when people are staring straight ahead they'll look at me.

√An odd pair of shoes so that when people are looking down and don’t see my hat or shirt they will notice my shoes and look at me.

√Pre-prepared questions/comments (mostly comments) that are so good they will prove that I am smarter than the people on the panel and that I should have been up there in the first place.

√A limber neck so that I can scan the Bookfair as I talk to someone in case there is someone more important I should be talking to.

√Nonalcoholic whiskey to use for shots with other writers who are using actual whiskey so that I can drink them under the table and thus prove I am a better writer.

√My wife--step one in entourage creation.

Away we go.

Back from...Denver

That's right--I'm back. And now time for my annual, meaning this year, AWP awards:

Best quote on a panel: "The people here are hornier to get published than to get laid," by Richard Peabody (I think he said that...hmm...maybe I should be sure of such things before I assign words to people's mouths).

Runner-up: "Getting paid by the word just feels righteous," by Stephen Graham Jones (that might not be the actual wording, but he said most of those words I'm pretty sure and for no money...wait, do panelists get paid by the word?).

Worst hotel elevators: The Sheraton.

Best drink I had too many of: Milk Stout at the Wynkoop Brewing Company.

Best panel I did not attend: Flarf.

Worst introduction: Woman who introduced George Saunders, by confessing she had never read his work and, when she did bring herself to read it, didn't like it and yet didn't have the decency to step down from introducing him or just keep it to herself but instead thought it best to tell everyone that and basically imply, if not outright say, that he should try and write some different kind of stuff--you know, good stuff.

Best introduction: Etgar Keret who read before Saunders and said that if there was to be a commercial for humanity, George Saunders should be in it.

Best party I stood around awkwardly at before deciding to quickly leave: Flatmancrooked's.

Best nonconference moment: Bouldering outside the Denver flagship REI. By which I mean, getting four inches off the ground on a fake boulder outside the REI store where I bought some nice pants and the wife bought a belt. We're outdoorsy that way.

I'm Off to...Denver

Going to AWP this year seems to be a little contentious. Maybe it is every year and I just don’t pay attention. I don’t pay much attention. At any rate if you’re not going, you can attend Meg Pokrass’s A Barbaric yAWP Party. Same difference. Probably more fun—less flying at least.

But I’m bound for Denver, and I am ready for my AWP experience. I have everything I need:

√A leather bound notebook so that I can write while other people are just talking about writing.

√A laptop to sit in the free Wi-Fi lobby and blog about the conference.

√An odd hat so people will look at me.

√An odd pair of shoes so that when people are looking down and don’t see my hat they will notice my shoes and look at me.

√Pre-prepared questions/comments (mostly comments) that are so good they will prove that I am smarter than the people on the panel and that I should have been up there in the first place.

√A limber neck so that I can scan the Bookfair as I talk to someone in case there is someone more important I should be talking to.

√Nonalcoholic whiskey to use for shots with other writers who are using actual whiskey so that I can drink them under the table and thus prove I am a better writer.

√My wife--step one in entourage creation.

Away we go.

AWP Book Happiness

So back from the wilds of Chicago and the wonders and terrors of AWP with that warm weight of books wisely foraged.

From one of my favorite readings, I got four Dzanc books: Kyle Minor's In the Devil's Territory, Roy Kesey's All Over, Michael Czyzniejewski's Elephants in Our Bedroom, and Allison's Amend's Things that Pass for Love (technically an OV Book).

Also got my first issue of Keyhole. Plus, copies of Barry Graham's The National Virginity Pledge and Jason Jordan's Powering the Devil's Circus--two ultra-cool guys and gripping readers.

And, of course, Hobart had the best swag...what with the Jack that came in the shot glass.

Me at the Special Orange Alert AWP Reading

So what are you doing Wednesday, February 11th, say around 7:30 p.m.? Want to hear brilliant people read brilliant writing in an engaging and entertaining way that will make you cry and laugh and rend your clothes? Would you like to see one of the readers humiliate himself? Well then, be at the THE BOOK CELLAR (4736-38 North Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL 60625) for the Special Orange Alert AWP Reading, brought to you by the hard work of Jason Behrends. Here's a list of the killer readers (and me):

Blake Butler
Barry Graham
S. Craig Renfroe
Stephanie Kuehnert
Jason Jordan
John Domini
Allison Eir Jenks
Peter Schwartz
Ben Tanzer
Molly Gaudry

Your Etiquette Advice from Some Old Books I Found

Today's etiquette advice comes from American Etiquette and Rules of Politeness 1884 (Rand, McNally & Co.):

KEEP ROOM NEAT.
If you are a visitor be careful to keep your room as neat as possible. Do not let garments lie scattered about promiscuously.

I wish I had read that before I promiscuously decorated my hotel room at AWP. This has been your etiquette advice from some old books I found.

Escape from New York

I'm back from the AWP conference in New York City. And though I'd love to yammer on about the writerly goodness of it all and the cool city fun, I'm exhausted so I'll just list what I'm returning with:

1. A signed copy of Money by Martin Amis (He said he knew a "Craig"--I presume that means he doesn't want to know another one)

2. An unsigned copy of Kelly Link's Magic for Beginners (She was sick most of the conference, but I met Gavin J. Grant at the Small Beer Press table, and he was a great guy...though he kept raising the prices of his books when knew I was interested).

3. A copy of The Best of Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet edited by Kelly Link and Gavin J. Grant (Grant said everything on the table was half price until I picked that up and then it was everything except the anthology)

4. A copy of the awe-inspiringly designed Ninth Letter magazine (My friend Eric Vrooman has a brilliant piece of satire in this issue in the form of a water bill)

5. A copy of roger, an art & literary magazine (I'll be in the issue coming out in May...I think).

Those are the goodies, kiddies. Now if only I didn't have to teach and could just read my head off...

On Being Anal about AWP Prep

So Wednesday, I’ll be in New York for the 2008 AWP (The Association of Writers and Writing Programs—I know what you’re thinking: why isn’t it AWWP?) conference, or as Heather likes to call this year: Bonnaroo for writers. It actually sold out. 7,000 emotionally scarred people who lack the skills to talk to one another converging on one place. Lots of brand-name writers will be there this year, probably because they can walk out of their Manhattan lofts and right into the hotel.

With three or so days to go, I’m finally thinking about the program. Heather (as per #3) informs me that she’s had her schedule planned for days with her first and second choice of sessions in case they fill up. She’s also penciled in time for off site activities like dinner out and a trip to MoMA. Derek calls and I try to make fun of Heather’s anal tendencies until he informs me that he’s already got his days mapped out, too.

So I'm going through the program with a highlighter. Circle, circle.